Shalom Bayis
Thank you for the nice welcome back. It feels good to be back.
Today’s topic of discussion I want to bring up is shalom bayis.
The singles out there are dying to get married. They want to have the intimacy with their spouse. They are looking to having their own bayis ne’eman b’yisroel. A place to call their own. They want someone to be there when they get home. They want the cuddling. But do they also realize that there is work to be done in order to have a successful marriage.
Many of you are nodding your head agreeing with me. Others will claim that they have no problem with the shalom bayis in your house. Have you spoken to spouse lately? Maybe ask your spouse before you throw this away and go read something else. It is a big issue here. There are many issues of shalom bayis; many aspects of it and not all are dealt with properly.
When a couple is happy they tend to forget to work on shalom bayis. They forget that there is an issue. That there is a need to work on it daily and to strive to improve the relationship one step further. How many of you out there think about improving your relationship with your spouse on a daily basis? Not many. And I feel this is wrong. When is the best time to talk about issues? When things are calm and you are both in a good mood and able to talk about your issues in a reasonable manner. Not so emotional. Not so mad. When there is love between the two of you. Why bother talking when upset? All you’re showing is your emotional side and not your side of logic.
Every day while I am not so busy (like who isn’t) I try to think of one way to make my husband happier. Whether it is a smile when he comes home or touch up on my makeup or even a simple wave when he walks into the door. I want him to know that I thought of him through out the day. I want him to do the same. It is always nice and egotistical on our side to know that we are on our spouses mind all day amongst other things.
It is normal for people to fight. You are taking two people who are very different from one another and putting them together and telling them “live together, and make sure it works”. They don’t have time to live with one another before marriage and they are usually “stuck” with the marriage whether they like it or not. The husband needs to learn what makes the wife tic, and she needs to learn not to get so upset if he does something that is not to her liking. It takes many years to achieve shalom bayis. Many great people work on it daily. You will hear the stories of the great old Rabbis and how they spoke to their wife, or what they did that was special. No need to mock it, it is very important to treat each other with respect. Because once you lose respect, there is little hope for your marriage.
Sometimes it is easier to say “I want out” and I don’t want to live this way, than it is to actually change what is wrong. Take a deep breath and figure out how you go to that point. If your spouse is not living up to your expectations, take a step back and look at the overall picture. Is it that your expectations are too high? Or maybe life took a different turn and you are unaware of it and hadn’t noticed something about your spouse that made them change like that. Try to find out why and what caused the change. Especially if things were fine until a point. Find out what that point was! What happened? What was the cause for things to slide? Then blame yourself for not noticing it earlier on.
Have any of you figured out if your spouse is depressed without them actually admitting to it? Why is that it takes a real long time for people to realize that the ones they love the most are hurting so badly, and are ignored sometimes till it is too late to do anything about it. You have a fight and you nitpick on the littlest thing for a few weeks until it dawns on you that your spouse is just depressed and that needs to be taken care of. Forget the mess or the issues. Just make sure the cause of the depression is gone and you will see that life will pick up as usual.
For those who are not married, it is normal for husband and wife to fight. It is normal to disagree and to have arguments. For married people, I want you to know this as well. No reason for the wife to be a doormat for the husband to walk all over. Husband, wake up and start appreciating what she does for you and your family. Say thank you to her when she serves you supper. Wife, say thank you to him when he comes home early. These are just basic examples that are sometimes neglected, especially over time. After ten years of marriage, do you think we need to hear this? You forget, as it is part of the “job” but that is when it is crucial to remember. Don’t forget to give a kiss on your way out. Don’t forget to say thank you for the clean laundry in your drawers. And always remember to notice when there are hidden tears. Ask about them. Talk about issues. Don’t burry anything under the carpet. Bring it out. Open up. Communications is very important. Even if you are a quiet silent type person, and don’t like to share things. This is marriage we are talking about. Talk about it. If not with your spouse, whom else can you turn to?
Rules in marriage. Never go to bed angry at one another. A very hard thing to follow and always forgotten amidst a huge fight. But if you are able to calm down and get it out in the open and be upset but not fighting or mad, you have saved your marriage and added another day to it. Air out your disagreements. Focus on the one issue that made you mad that night not all the issues. Try to take baby-steps. It doesn’t happen over night. After all, you are married and have a “contract” with one another. You want to keep it, no? Don’t just kiss. After all that doesn’t solve the original dilemma. If you can’t do it on your own, then you need to think about getting outside help. Be careful who you share your problems with. You will forget and forgive while others might not forgive the spouse who hurt you now.
It is always important for a man and wife to talk about what is bothering them. What the daily problems are and what the family issues that need to be worked on. Try to find the right time to air out your issues and be willing to talk. You might bring up a topic that has been bothering you and think it is a small issue. Your spouse on the other hand might have been thinking the same and thinks it is a bigger issue than you. Talk. Communicate. Goodluck!
Today’s topic of discussion I want to bring up is shalom bayis.
The singles out there are dying to get married. They want to have the intimacy with their spouse. They are looking to having their own bayis ne’eman b’yisroel. A place to call their own. They want someone to be there when they get home. They want the cuddling. But do they also realize that there is work to be done in order to have a successful marriage.
Many of you are nodding your head agreeing with me. Others will claim that they have no problem with the shalom bayis in your house. Have you spoken to spouse lately? Maybe ask your spouse before you throw this away and go read something else. It is a big issue here. There are many issues of shalom bayis; many aspects of it and not all are dealt with properly.
When a couple is happy they tend to forget to work on shalom bayis. They forget that there is an issue. That there is a need to work on it daily and to strive to improve the relationship one step further. How many of you out there think about improving your relationship with your spouse on a daily basis? Not many. And I feel this is wrong. When is the best time to talk about issues? When things are calm and you are both in a good mood and able to talk about your issues in a reasonable manner. Not so emotional. Not so mad. When there is love between the two of you. Why bother talking when upset? All you’re showing is your emotional side and not your side of logic.
Every day while I am not so busy (like who isn’t) I try to think of one way to make my husband happier. Whether it is a smile when he comes home or touch up on my makeup or even a simple wave when he walks into the door. I want him to know that I thought of him through out the day. I want him to do the same. It is always nice and egotistical on our side to know that we are on our spouses mind all day amongst other things.
It is normal for people to fight. You are taking two people who are very different from one another and putting them together and telling them “live together, and make sure it works”. They don’t have time to live with one another before marriage and they are usually “stuck” with the marriage whether they like it or not. The husband needs to learn what makes the wife tic, and she needs to learn not to get so upset if he does something that is not to her liking. It takes many years to achieve shalom bayis. Many great people work on it daily. You will hear the stories of the great old Rabbis and how they spoke to their wife, or what they did that was special. No need to mock it, it is very important to treat each other with respect. Because once you lose respect, there is little hope for your marriage.
Sometimes it is easier to say “I want out” and I don’t want to live this way, than it is to actually change what is wrong. Take a deep breath and figure out how you go to that point. If your spouse is not living up to your expectations, take a step back and look at the overall picture. Is it that your expectations are too high? Or maybe life took a different turn and you are unaware of it and hadn’t noticed something about your spouse that made them change like that. Try to find out why and what caused the change. Especially if things were fine until a point. Find out what that point was! What happened? What was the cause for things to slide? Then blame yourself for not noticing it earlier on.
Have any of you figured out if your spouse is depressed without them actually admitting to it? Why is that it takes a real long time for people to realize that the ones they love the most are hurting so badly, and are ignored sometimes till it is too late to do anything about it. You have a fight and you nitpick on the littlest thing for a few weeks until it dawns on you that your spouse is just depressed and that needs to be taken care of. Forget the mess or the issues. Just make sure the cause of the depression is gone and you will see that life will pick up as usual.
For those who are not married, it is normal for husband and wife to fight. It is normal to disagree and to have arguments. For married people, I want you to know this as well. No reason for the wife to be a doormat for the husband to walk all over. Husband, wake up and start appreciating what she does for you and your family. Say thank you to her when she serves you supper. Wife, say thank you to him when he comes home early. These are just basic examples that are sometimes neglected, especially over time. After ten years of marriage, do you think we need to hear this? You forget, as it is part of the “job” but that is when it is crucial to remember. Don’t forget to give a kiss on your way out. Don’t forget to say thank you for the clean laundry in your drawers. And always remember to notice when there are hidden tears. Ask about them. Talk about issues. Don’t burry anything under the carpet. Bring it out. Open up. Communications is very important. Even if you are a quiet silent type person, and don’t like to share things. This is marriage we are talking about. Talk about it. If not with your spouse, whom else can you turn to?
Rules in marriage. Never go to bed angry at one another. A very hard thing to follow and always forgotten amidst a huge fight. But if you are able to calm down and get it out in the open and be upset but not fighting or mad, you have saved your marriage and added another day to it. Air out your disagreements. Focus on the one issue that made you mad that night not all the issues. Try to take baby-steps. It doesn’t happen over night. After all, you are married and have a “contract” with one another. You want to keep it, no? Don’t just kiss. After all that doesn’t solve the original dilemma. If you can’t do it on your own, then you need to think about getting outside help. Be careful who you share your problems with. You will forget and forgive while others might not forgive the spouse who hurt you now.
It is always important for a man and wife to talk about what is bothering them. What the daily problems are and what the family issues that need to be worked on. Try to find the right time to air out your issues and be willing to talk. You might bring up a topic that has been bothering you and think it is a small issue. Your spouse on the other hand might have been thinking the same and thinks it is a bigger issue than you. Talk. Communicate. Goodluck!
posted by BasTorah @ 1:37 PM
1 Comments:
I couldn't agree with you more on this
Communication is the at most impotent component that holds a marriage together, being open and understanding to each others needs.. oh well it IS a long topic, but thanks from talking about this important issue.
Shlomy
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