Nidda Time

it is a bit long...

For whom is this time frame harder? The husband or the wife? I ask this question in all seriousness. There are many things that happen to each side that makes this time period very hard. Don’t give me the line that everything is fine when it is the “off” time of the month. I don’t and cannot believe it.

The wife is going through changes during this time. She feels crankier, and probably tense. All teenage girls get it, and it doesn’t really get better. We learn to live on mydol, or Tylenol or whatever medication or vitamin you have handy. We don’t like it. I never did. Not when I was a teenager and not now. Certain things do not change. I don’t like getting my period. There I said it. I find it annoying. It hurts. It makes me cranky and I yell more at people. My stomach hurts and that never feels good. It starts about a day or so before the actual onset and then it gets better. Imagine being in school. Every month you took off for a day or two. Eventually they will catch on. Now there is real life. Work wont allow such behavior. Neither do the kids. So we learn to suffer it quietly.

Not only do we have the physical pain and torture, we need to change our mindset and make ourselves aware that we are now a niddah. We are in a different status. No more kisses from the husband. No more hugs when you really need it. Your buddy is not really there for you, as you would like. Too bad. This is the way of life we have chosen to live. No more sex. No more intimacy. Push it to the back of your mind for at least 12 days. Save all that energy and tension for two weeks, so that the mikvah night can be special and wild.

On the plus side you have the time to yourself. Not every day revolves around sex. Whether or not you have children you still have a life to live. Not having sex does not mean that you do not love one another. Not always do you need to have sex on the non-niddah nights. Yes, there are only a limited amount of days, but you also have other things to take care of. But then we must remind ourselves when we will expecting it and not forget the last night before. Otherwise it will be longer than the anticipated two weeks.

The men. They don’t feel anything when we menstruate. They don’t feel the stomach pains. They don’t feel our crankiness, granted our mood will rub off on them. But physically they don’t feel anything. What they have is an off time from their wife. From sex. They cannot have sex for two weeks. And for some reason that makes them different. Not only does that affect them, but in a lot of cases, it affects the wife as well.

What I mean is, the husband tends to be removed from his wife during the off time. He is not so nice to her, to put it mildly. He tends to hang out more with his friends, or at work when there is no intimacy expected at home. He tends to be a bit more harsh with his wife. After all he is not getting any because of her. It is her fault that she has her period. It is her fault that she is a niddah. Therefore he has the right to take it out on her. Thank goodness there can’t be physical anger, but emotional anger is just as bad. The verbal abuse that comes during this time is enough to destroy a woman. The husband changes completely when she goes to the mikvah.

When mikvah night is there, he is a more gentler, calmer man. He worships the ground she walks on and kisses her toes then. Never once mentioning any of the things he mentioned earlier. She can do no wrong in his eyes, as long as she satisfies him in bed. As long as he is getting what he wants and needs.

Say that I am wrong. Granted this is not all men, And you are a good husband to your wife during niddah time and during regular time. Say what you want, wish what you think, but let us ask the wives if this is so. Let us hear from the wives who feel that they are second-class citizens when they are a niddah. We are the ones who are feeling this way. You can’t tell us what we are feeling is false! They are, after all, our feelings. True there are men out there who do treat their significant others the way she deserves whether or not “he is getting any” or not. But my question is why are the men who do not treat the wife with respect and dignity that she deserves is allowed to get away with this?

Who has taught him to change his personality when it is a hard time? Is this the norm of teaching chasonim? Are they really taught that the wife does not matter when she is a niddah, and therefore he does not have to respect her? That he does not have to treat her like a human being? That he is allowed to walk all over her? But when the mikvah night comes…he must give her the royal treatment! He will answer her wishes and give her what she wants. He will take care of her because he knows he will be taken care of later. This makes no sense to me. Do men actually think that we are forgetful? That they can hurt us, but with a quick kiss and a hug, things will be better? Better yet, why do we allow them to do this to us? Why are we giving them the opportunity to walk all over us during niddah time and when it is not niddah time, we give them whatever they want as well?

Things must change.
Men must be taught that the wife is not just an outlet for his sexual desire. We have desires, wishes, and needs that need to be met.

Women must stand up for their beliefs and wishes. Do not let the husband walk all over you. Sit down and talk about things. Do not allow the abuse to continue.

Men must remember their wife during niddah time. A simple thank you, a kind word, a little note to say you are thinking of her goes a long way. Don’t forget your wife during these hard times!

Anyone who is abused MUST seek counseling as well as the spouse. Don’t be a victim anymore. This goes for abused women and abused men. Yes, I will agree that there are wives out there who abuse their husbands. Definitely seek professional help before it gets worse. Do not ignore the signs. Seek help now.

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