Can This Marriage Be Saved

Okay, I cheated, not my posting but read and HAD to see responses to this topic.

Here it is:


"We've Been Married Seven Years -- and We've Never Had Sex"
By Cynthia Hanson
Can this marriage survive Natalie's painful sex experiences and Brad's frustration?

Her turn:

"Everyone thinks I have the perfect life," said Natalie, 33, an advertising account manager who has been married for seven years. "And in many ways I do. My husband, Brad, and I like our jobs, and we just bought a new house. We vacation in the Caribbean, enjoy a large circle of friends, and have season tickets to our hometown basketball team, the Philadelphia 76ers. We get along great, except for one huge problem: We've never had intercourse. I'm actually still a virgin.

"It's not by choice. It seems my body won't let me have sex. Whenever we attempt it, I experience immediate muscle tightness and an excruciating burning sensation. I don't know what's wrong. It can't be structural, because I don't feel pain during gynecological exams. It's not low sex drive, either. I'm attracted to Brad and have orgasms from other sexual activities.

"As far as I can figure out, nothing in my background can explain this problem. I'm the younger of two children in a middle-class family. My dad was a department-store manager, and Mom was a sales associate there. I never felt particularly close to either of them. Dad was emotionally distant, and my mom was overly sensitive. I often felt neglected because they lavished all their attention on my older sister, who was born with severe cerebral palsy and had to be institutionalized from birth. They spent most of their free time working for an advocacy organization for parents of children with CP. I grew up pretty much on my own. Whenever I'd complain, my mom would tell me to stop whining. 'Be grateful that you're healthy,' she'd snap. 'Your sister has it a lot worse.' She explained the facts of life to me when I was 13 and told me not to have sex until I was much older. That was our only discussion on the subject.

"In high school, I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend, but when he tried to enter me, I felt the same symptoms I feel with Brad, so I asked him to stop. Around this time my best friend, who had just lost her virginity, told me how much sex hurt. This confirmed my own limited experience -- and increased my nervousness. A few years later I felt the same intense pain with another boyfriend and we, too, never had sex. Since I enjoyed other sexual activities, I convinced myself that someday I'd be able to have intercourse.

"I met Brad 11 years ago at the advertising agency where we both worked. I was 22; he was 25. I was drawn to him right away -- he was handsome and full of energy. And we had common interests -- sports, movies, mountain biking. Brad was a true romantic: He'd leave sweet cards on my desk and surprise me with a tape of love songs. Once, for my birthday, he whisked me off to a resort in New England.

"We were madly in love, so after six months I disclosed my secret -- and prayed he wouldn't lose interest. Brad, who'd had many sexual experiences, reassured me by saying, 'Maybe you haven't met the right man yet.'

"But history repeated itself. We tried to have intercourse about a dozen times during our four-year courtship, yet each time Brad got close to entering me, I would tense up to the point where my body felt like one giant knot and I couldn't even spread my legs. We tried wine, bubble baths, and full-body massages to help me relax, but I always froze up whenever we progressed beyond touching.

"Soon we were fighting about sex. Naturally, he was angry we weren't having it. When I'd say, 'Let's try on Saturday,' then back out because it hurt too much, he'd grow even more furious. I wasn't leading him on; I really wanted to have intercourse. Once we were engaged, Brad badgered me to get professional help, but I couldn't bear to tell anyone my shameful secret, not even a gynecologist. I just hoped the problem would go away. Two days before our wedding, Brad threatened to call it off, and I swore we'd have sex on our honeymoon. In retrospect, I'm amazed he gave me another chance.

"But on our honeymoon, I had all the same tenseness. On the last day, we still hadn't had sex, and Brad went ballistic. 'I knew I shouldn't have married you until this problem was solved,' he screamed. 'I'm tired of your empty promises.' He stormed out of the room, and I collapsed on the bed in tears. Three hours later, Brad came back and apologized, promising that we'd solve my problem together.

"But we reverted to the same predictable pattern. I would enjoy his kisses and caresses, and then I would pleasure him with oral sex. He always enjoyed it, but he said he craved the emotional connection of intercourse. So did I.

"Three years ago, things really began to deteriorate. After yet another failed attempt at intercourse, Brad called me his 'roommate' and began sleeping in the guest room from time to time. He set deadlines, saying he'd divorce me if we didn't have sex by our anniversary or by his birthday. As the deadlines came and went, Brad would call me a liar, and I'd sob inconsolably. Sometimes he'd spend the night in a hotel.

"Now we're trapped in a vicious cycle: The more bitter and angry Brad becomes, the harder it is for me to become aroused when we do fool around. I live in constant fear that he's going to cheat on me. As emotionally wrenching as that would be, I wouldn't blame him, because I'm not meeting his sexual needs. Sometimes my problem is all I think about. I have migraines, nausea, and insomnia."The other day, Brad threatened divorce again unless I see a therapist. I believe this may be my last chance with him, so here I am."

His turn:

"I don't want a divorce, but I can't stay in an unconsummated marriage any longer," said Brad, 36, a creative director for an advertising agency. "I've been patient over the past 11 years. I believed Natalie when she promised to solve her problem. I surfed the Internet to find out everything I could about her condition and downloaded articles, hoping she'd be inspired by other women who had overcome the same problem. But she refused even to look at those articles, just as she has refused to see a counselor. What more can I do?

"Sometimes I feel like a chump for sticking around. But I love Natalie; we're best friends. Sex is the only thing we've ever fought about. But I'm prepared to leave if she doesn't get cured of whatever is wrong with her. I'm tired of shutting down my sexual side and pretending it doesn't matter that I've never made love to my own wife. Natalie seems to think the answer is oral sex, but that's not enough. I long for the emotional connection -- and frankly, the sexual satisfaction -- that's comes only with intercourse.

"I had an unremarkable childhood. I got along with my older sister and younger brother, but wasn't especially close to my parents. My dad, a truck driver, was a jokester who behaved more like a buddy than a father. My relationship with my mother, a homemaker, has always been on her terms. For instance, when I went to college an hour away from home, she never once visited, because she won't drive out of her zip code. She hasn't been to our new house for the same reason. I've always wanted Mom to be more involved in my life, but she is emotionally remote. I'm not really surprised Dad left her for another woman when I was in college.

"I was attracted to Natalie from the moment we met. She's petite and pretty, as well as smart, funny, and outgoing. I was disappointed when she said she had a boyfriend, but we became work pals. When her relationship ended a few months later, I immediately asked her out. Our romance was founded on friendship; once we started dating, I fell in love fast.

"When Natalie told me she was still a virgin, I was surprised but not alarmed. We'd had oral sex, so I knew she wasn't asexual. She was only 22, so I assumed she simply hadn't felt ready. I was confident she would soon be ready for me.

"But as time passed, I grew more and more concerned, and as our wedding date grew near, I was filled with dread. In some ways, I'm sorry I didn't call it off. I couldn't understand what was wrong. I even started to wonder if Natalie had been sexually abused as a child. She said she hadn't, which led me to conclude it was in her head and she needed psychological help.

"I'm angry not just because we've never had intercourse but also because Natalie breaks her promises. She claims she hates being a virgin but won't do anything about it. I'm so disgusted that I've withdrawn from her emotionally and physically. I hang out with friends after work because I don't want to be home with her.

"When I gave Natalie the most recent ultimatum, I was shocked that she finally agreed to get treatment -- but frankly, I'm skeptical that she'll follow through."

© Copyright 2005 Meredith Corporation. All Rights Reserved.

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