When do you Tell?
He cheated on her.
No really, he did. I caught him in the act. I over heard the phone conversation and there was no mistake. He was having an affair with someone. He was having sex with someone other than his wife, who just happened to be a good friend of mine. And I heard about it.
No really, he did. I caught him in the act. I over heard the phone conversation and there was no mistake. He was having an affair with someone. He was having sex with someone other than his wife, who just happened to be a good friend of mine. And I heard about it.
You know the look someone gives you when they are doing something wrong, and you catch them, yet they also know that you will not do anything about it. It is that sheepish grin that says "guilty" and then turns into the daring look, "what are you going to do about it?!" So to ask the question of the title "when do you tell"??
When do I go to my friend, who seems to be happily married to the man of her dreams, and tell her that he is not happily married to her? That he is looking for something else. That he is wanting more than she is offering, and actually going after his lust and getting it. That he caved into his sexual desires and threw away his family ethics and killed his wife by cheating on her.
Is she really happy in her marriage? Can I recall a time that she seemed upset at him for something and brushed it off with "he had to work late again" excuse. Maybe she really knows already, but decided to live with it and if I tell her, it will be an embarrassment for her. Now I am not sure if I should tell her or not. Would I want to know if my husband was being unfaithful to me?
Why would one tell someone that their spouse is cheating? Is it to benefit the friend, that the wife/husband should know of the unfaithfulness that is going on? Or is it to make us take a good look at our life and realize that no matter how bad it is, someone has it worse, or maybe going through the same thing, therefore, we are not so bad. If her husband is cheating on her, than she too is guilty of pleasing him just like I am. All hypothetical (my husband is NOT cheating on me)
Do I tell my friend that her husband has a secret? Do I hint to things might not be so good there, or do I just ignore it and make believe that I didn't know until she tells me something. But I know that once it is known to her, I don't doubt that her husband will let her know that I knew about it, and didn't do anything about it. It is a lose lose situation, and I must decide soon which is better to lose at.
If only he showed some remorse. If only he felt guilty about it and wants to stop. If only he didn't dare me with his eyes to do something about it. That was his cry for attention. That was his way of telling me he wants me to say something, but I still do not feel comfortable being the one. Why should I be the bearer of bad news? Why is it my fault that I happened to have heard him and figure things out? Why wasn't it her who found out instead of me? Why is he cheating on her? Why oh why oh why.
So many questions, and the answers are not going to be pleasant.
posted by BasTorah @ 1:53 PM
17 Comments:
If you tell her, you'll break her heart. And she'll hate you. What's there to gain by telling her? All too often a woman sees the signs but ignores them because she doesn't want to know. Sure he's a shmuck. My intention is not to protect him. Eventually this all will explode in his face. But do yourself and your friend a favor and don't say anything straight out. Hinting is a different story.
Just two questions for you: 1. What would your reaction be if your best friend told you YOUR husband was cheating? 2. How can you be sure that your husband isn't?
dont tell your friend anything you have nothing to gain and everything to lose what you might consider doing is tell him to make sure his wife gives him what his zonah gives him so he wont need her
"Oh, I forgot to mention I saw Mr. Cheater the other day. He was leaving a fancy hotel suite with a really pretty young woman; must have been a business meeting."
If you are completely dan l'chaf zechus publicly, no one can blame you for bearing bad news, and she can put two and two together on her own. And you should remain adamant that there is an innocent explanation until she tells you explicitly otherwise.
Of course, my advice is pretty worthless, but I think it makes sense - because not telling her nowadays can be a death sentence.
On one hand...I think you owe it to your friend to tell her. Or at least to hint to her that somethings up. Either way, she will find, whether its tonight, tomorrow or in 5 years time.
But on the other hand...it skind of in the area of MYOB. Your not involved in the relationship and it might be lashon hara or somethign like that if you speak up...thus involving more people in the rship then him and her, but you and the cheater....
Decisions decisions!!
Do not say anything to her. Speak to him. Is he using protection? His wife is innocent and should not have to suffer the consequenses of his infidelity with a physical problem. Why does he feel the need to have someone other than his wife? Does he intend to stay married? If so, why not go for counselling?
Every marriage goes through tough times, but if a couple wants to stay together, for the right reasons, the spark can be re-lit (corny as that sounds)
I am horrified at the totally nonchalant attitude you all are taking. This lowlife is putting his whole family at risk, physically.
Emotiomally, his poor wife will be devastated. If you feel it will hurt her more or ruin your friendship by telling her yourself , then go to a Rov or a counselor and have them relay it.
It really is very sad and appalling that the so called frum ppl on this blog sound worse then the advice column of the Tabloids or some Adult magazine.
jsirpicco,
Aw geez........you're making me blush. I basically am gone from bloggerland, but check in once in a while to see if there's anything interesting going on.
I MIGHT start a new blog, with a different username and all. But not yet. I'm very busy at work and other activities, but one day soon.....
Thanks for the compliment! I always enjoyed your comments on my blog.
JS....
about ren/reb. In the very very beginning of my blogging, I thought she was so amusing, clever, etc. Then it got so damn boring. every post was the same old.
So you and I are the only cool ones left......
Nous avons le curiousity et voulons explorer chaque secteur de la vie. Nous aimons la vie!
Hoezen's still around keeping an eye on you, so you guys better behave!
JS, Hoezen...
first of all, I'm 5'4" (unless I'm starting to shrink - better start with the calcium)
it IS kind of like a reuinion!
And yes, Hoizen....you too, are part of the "cool" group....you always get it!
Omg, I love you...no ILOVE YOU no I love you even more...well you are the best.... nuuh, you are even better...maybe even the bestest...gosh, you guys make me want to puke
Oh my..what a dillema.
I personally know a guy that conntracted an STD by having affairs...so there is the physical safety issue.
On the other hand...you'd be ripping apart a family.
I think someone has to talk to him...and not you.
Do you know anyone that he respects..that you can confide in..?
Good Luck!
D
shmuel,
What is your problem here????
Nice blog. You give alot of food for thought.
JG
YOU have no right of telling her, besides that it probably wont help.
Plus there are alot of things that can turn out and not in your favor.
1) maybe she know, and is for one reason or another not saying anything.
2)She wont believe you.
3)She does not want to leave him, and you will create a ruined marriga for both of them, and she might hold it against you for the rest of your life.
and so on.
you need to stop HIUM from doing that.
Explain to him, and maybe even threaten him, but do not take it on yourself to destroy, marrige,kids,life,family and so on.
I had a similar question on my blog, and all mostly agreed to the above.
http://mooochy.blogspot.com/2005/10/flirting-over-line.html
What a situation, I would have liked to be told, but In Yiddishe circles it's not so simple, "don’t know don't worry" may perhaps be applicable here?
I guess it's best to find out if he plans to leave his wife perhaps at least this humiliation can be avoided if she leaves first...I'd hate to be in your shoes right now.
I agree with Brianna, only because i been there before. With my best friend of all my life. But she may get mad at you if you don't tell her but you rather for her to be mad for a little while, than hurt for ever. She'll get over you not telling her faster than you hurting her. My friend eventually came to me and said sorry. It took about a week. Just to let you know friends are forever no matter what, The bible say what god put to gether no man can distroy even a friendship. Also so may be god didn't put them tgether. When she come to you with her husbands' affair problems just support her and let her know god has someone better and no matter what she choose to do you will be there for her. The best thing is for you to stay out of this but keep your friend. She will always come before that thing that calls himself a man. you know they hurt to an he'll hurt more than her in the end.
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