Sexual Favors
Sexual Favors.
What’s the difference between making love and having sex? I know there has been at least one comment asked in this regard. The comment asked why do we call it having sex and not making love to our spouse? This got me thinking. Why indeed, do we not refer to it as making love? We always refer to it as not have had sex or my wife doesn’t like to have sex, or, it has been a long time since I had sex.
What ever happened to the word love? Do we forget this little L word in our relationship with our spouse? Is this the reason why we are not getting any? If we forget the LOVE word, then that will answer the many questions regarding bedroom life. If you do not love or make love with your spouse, how do you expect to get any?
Love is not a bad word. You say in the Jewish dating lifestyle, the choson and kallah do not really love one another. Fine. The love they have now is not the same love they will have in five years nor will that love be the same in ten, twenty, etc years later. Each year that we live together with another person, our love for that person grows. It expands. It grows. There is no such thing as too much love. You cannot love a person too much and you never run out of love.
We all know that the love that we have can sometimes hurt us when the spouse doesn’t live up to the expectations that we have. We all have expectations. We have wants and desires. We all want it to be met. Whether it is in the real world or your world you strive for the best. Sometimes we just slack off and don’t make it. We are letting someone else down and many times without realizing it we are actually hurting someone we love.
When half of a married couple does something wrong or something that is different, yet enjoyable for him/her, it makes that person selfish if he/she doesn’t think of his/her spouse. If you do something and you don’t think about your spouse you are being selfish and conceited. These can be major issues that will affect your spouse, or even little ones that you think are little when reality is that your spouse thinks differently.
Be careful how you act and react to things. There is the blaming game but why bother with it? It will just go around and around. Try to be (wo) man enough and accept it and apologize for what was done. Think about it and realize that there has to be a way that you can enjoy doing something unique that you have not done before without hurting your spouse
I started this off as sexual favors. I didn’t get to it. I guess my topic does not apply to what I wanted to write about. Next time you want sex from your spouse. Next time you want a favor, a sexual favor, please make sure to include love. No, I don’t mean the love you feel when you are loving it, I mean the love you give while receiving. The love you are giving to your husband or wife and remember what that feels like. Remember is not plain “I want sex tonight” it is “let’s make love tonight”. Try that line, and see a difference.
What’s the difference between making love and having sex? I know there has been at least one comment asked in this regard. The comment asked why do we call it having sex and not making love to our spouse? This got me thinking. Why indeed, do we not refer to it as making love? We always refer to it as not have had sex or my wife doesn’t like to have sex, or, it has been a long time since I had sex.
What ever happened to the word love? Do we forget this little L word in our relationship with our spouse? Is this the reason why we are not getting any? If we forget the LOVE word, then that will answer the many questions regarding bedroom life. If you do not love or make love with your spouse, how do you expect to get any?
Love is not a bad word. You say in the Jewish dating lifestyle, the choson and kallah do not really love one another. Fine. The love they have now is not the same love they will have in five years nor will that love be the same in ten, twenty, etc years later. Each year that we live together with another person, our love for that person grows. It expands. It grows. There is no such thing as too much love. You cannot love a person too much and you never run out of love.
We all know that the love that we have can sometimes hurt us when the spouse doesn’t live up to the expectations that we have. We all have expectations. We have wants and desires. We all want it to be met. Whether it is in the real world or your world you strive for the best. Sometimes we just slack off and don’t make it. We are letting someone else down and many times without realizing it we are actually hurting someone we love.
When half of a married couple does something wrong or something that is different, yet enjoyable for him/her, it makes that person selfish if he/she doesn’t think of his/her spouse. If you do something and you don’t think about your spouse you are being selfish and conceited. These can be major issues that will affect your spouse, or even little ones that you think are little when reality is that your spouse thinks differently.
Be careful how you act and react to things. There is the blaming game but why bother with it? It will just go around and around. Try to be (wo) man enough and accept it and apologize for what was done. Think about it and realize that there has to be a way that you can enjoy doing something unique that you have not done before without hurting your spouse
I started this off as sexual favors. I didn’t get to it. I guess my topic does not apply to what I wanted to write about. Next time you want sex from your spouse. Next time you want a favor, a sexual favor, please make sure to include love. No, I don’t mean the love you feel when you are loving it, I mean the love you give while receiving. The love you are giving to your husband or wife and remember what that feels like. Remember is not plain “I want sex tonight” it is “let’s make love tonight”. Try that line, and see a difference.
posted by BasTorah @ 4:29 PM
15 Comments:
vayilapet,
What a great way of saying it!
I wish you continued love and happiness with your wife til 120.....and wish that we all could feel that way about our spouses.
Cynic,
You're getting ME in the mood
for your
"sexual healing" - is it hot
in here, or is it me??
Bas Torah,
I just noticed for
the first time, that I'm
not on your links.
How come??
you are very wise and your partner is lucky
Your line of thinking in many of your posts are that with sex/love it is always the women that is the giver and the man that is the getter and therefore there has to be something to motivate the women to give, I think such a attitude is part of the sex/love problem within our world and a very old fashion way of seeing things that just does not work in today’s world any more. Where as you are right that love is a great ingredient when it comes to sex/love it is not the only one and I would not even think that it’s the main one, a more important one is that it is an enjoyable experience for both; and when that becomes the case then there is no issue of needing a reason to “give” or “get” any.
You say
“When half of a married couple does something wrong or something that is different, yet enjoyable for him/her, it makes that person selfish if he/she doesn’t think of his/her spouse. If you do something and you don’t think about your spouse you are being selfish and conceited. These can be major issues that will affect your spouse, or even little ones that you think are little when reality is that your spouse thinks differently.”
Hallo how about looking of it from the prospective that if a partner expects their partner not to be entitled to be different, or have there own values that define right and wrong, and get hurt because of that then it is them who is the selfish one. I think one of the biggest problems in our world of marriages is that we do not allow the space for any individuality and not realising that although married we do not own each other. The above is I think mostly a problem of the wives having this attitude as after they get married they stop to have a life of there own. I am very surprised at you promoting it.
(Since MG is complaining about links I will echo it. How come??!)
I am not talking about chassidish lifestyle, as they don't normally date, they have sit-ins and then don't see one another.
I am talking about frum Jews who are dating and don't touch one another and date 6-10 times before engagement and then a short engagement. There is talking, and they do see one another but they still do not feel the love that they will feel a year later. There is still a difference of when a couple who do have sex before they get married. The sex and the love making do bring couples closer together and brings the couple to a different level.
I am not talking about the Jewish people who don't hold of shomer negiah and do touch, kiss, and or have sex before marriage. They can get the feel of their potential spouse.
As for links on my sidebar....I didn't know that you wanted it. Send me your links and when I get a chance, I will try.
CYNIC AREW YOU CHEATING ON ME?
BT HERES THE WAY I SEE IT. LOVE MAKING IS AN EMOTIONAL AS WELL AS PHYSICAL ACT. SEX IS JUST GETTIN IT ON. SO IF YOU WERE IN A DRESSING ROOM IN A DEPARTMENT STORE AND WANT TO HAVE A QUICKIE BEFORE THE ATTENDANT RETURNS IS THERE TIME FOR LOVE OR JUST SEX?
NOE IF YOU ALWAYS HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE YOU KILL 2 BIRDS WITH 1 STONE.
I am not saying that you cannot have sex alone...what I am saying is that the questions and topics being asked and discussed are all about sex. Nothing about making love.
I don't want the men to forget about the love process.
It takes time to make love, but the ladies do love it...so why not do it every so often.
Quickies are great too. Foreplay needs love too. You can be gentle and tender but have no real love there. Sex for men is simple. But deep down, they do enjoy the anticipation that it takes to cum.
Anonymous, I am not understanding what is ticking you off. I did not marry a stranger, for I am not chassidish. But every year that we are together, I learn new things about him and about us. If you do not have love in a marriage, sad to say you don't have a marriage. Love is what makes it go round.
You see many people complaining that they dont have sex, their spouse is withdrawn from the bedroom and it is affecting their marriage. Some men tend to look elsewhere.
What do you think of the confusedyid who loves his wife and family but has a girlfriend he has sex with on the side? Does that not affect his life?
Sex can too change your relationship. If your wife doesnt want to have sex with you. Refuses to go to bed with your for a very long time (a year or so) do you still love her? Do you still feel the same towards her, or do you have resentment towards her yet the love is still there? If given teh opportunity, would you cheat? YEt still love your wife?
There are actually, lulei demistafina, four levels. All four can be a part of marriage:
1. Making Love: the highest level and what we all aspire to, where there is passion, compassion, a mental and emotional connection, foreplay and aftplay.
2. Having Sex: simply going through the motions, either to please your partner or because you have it on your day planner.
3. Getting laid: Similar to Having Sex, but with different motivation. Simply relieving oneself of a bodily need.
4. F***ing: Raw, loud and physical. Can make a marriage; can break a marriage. Depends on how one feels afterward about oneself and one's partner. Usually, the result of "makeup sex." Often the only way to have sex in a bad marriage.
Anonymous, I was letting your comments go but now they are getting to me.
Please show me where I said that if I left my white sheet home I have to recount my 7 nekiim.
What I did recall making a comment was that I was told that I should bring a white sheet with me when I go away. Period. If I am in middle of counting bring the sheet with you.
What happens if you don't? I don't know, I didn't ask. Is it halacha, hey, that is what I was told. Do I know better now? Yes.
No, I am not chassidish, and I take offense to it because you mean to criticise me.
If you don't like, don't read. Why the negative attitude?
Anon, why the deletion of so many comments?
1. She wondered if she would have to recount... WONDERED. didnt say she did recount. The topic at hand was as follows. S/o was going away for Shabbos during the shivim nikiim. She was taught that you must sleep on a white sheet (not chassidish, but yeshivish) then went and asked a rav "if i am not home, what do i do?" answer: "take white sheet with you" . Dont like the answer...neither do i, but if a Rabbi said that, what is she supposed to do?
I don't think I ever said that I am chassidish. I actually got many thinking that I was a satmar chussid..and I denied it. You are now the only one bringing this up again, and please, I am tempted to delete all your comments.
For a young girl going to kallah class is very important. They do teach you things and they teach you the halachos that are a must. Do you know how often they offer refresher classes for the ladies? They are teaching 45 year olds how to behave with their husbands. They are teaching the 20 year olds the same thing. They discuss the halachos and the questions that come up...and you have those married longer than 15 years ask questions! SO what DO YOU know about kallah class??
I have a lot more to say, but I am holding my peace with you.
Shalom
Sorry to turn up here so late, but something which you have said just struck a cord. Actually, your last words.
You suggest saying "let's make love", and go on to say "Try that line and see a difference".
Did you know that in chassidishe circles it's not considered proper to actually say that you want .........? In chassidic circles the whole sex issue is taboo, and something only spoken about in very complicated riddles. My wife was taught to wear something nice (something like that! I just can't remember what the exact thing was) if she wanted me, and not to ask directly (too brazen and "unyiddish"). Thank G-d we are over that stage. ;)
A frum chossid saying "lets make love"? Never in a million years.
Their sex will always be fumbled, rushed and over with, unless they have been "enlightened".
BT, you never know, you might be helping some of them!
I don't have the perspective of a married lady, but one the one hand I agree yeshivish crowds on lakewood definitely will ask a Rav and also aften say they don't think he knows this topis so well and ask someone bigger. My brothers are always talking like that (tho my father tells them they are in no position to talk, but still they do)
But I will say that I have heard from married friends that they learned VERY LITTLE by their classes and were very lost and I guess I don't know if their husbands were able to help or not. Also classes are definitely not just Halacha. I ahvn't a clue about sex and stuff from a Jewish perspective (besides what i picked up from hush-hush places) and neither do i think most regualr yeshivish girls do. And I think we all expect to hear more by our classes which I now understand are kind of a big dissapointment.
Shalom to all
cloo, bastorah - maybe i'm offbase here, not being an expert on the subject...but isn't there room for different types of passion? maybe sometimes "having sex" is just more exciting and fun, making love more intimate and sweet as well as all the other levels and ways people express their feelings and desire. i think that when people "mix it up" a little, it keeps things from getting stale. why should you have to fantasize about other people, when you can fantasize about your mate?
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