Playing the Game
How does one do it? Get engaged shortly after dating and then married soon thereafter? I just do not understand the phenom of dating, engaged, married all within 3 months. What is the purpose of the speed dating to marriage? It is not just the young ones who are doing this, it is also the older singles who cannot wait to join our society of married people. They feel that they are not part of the clique until they have that ring or that status of being married. Sadly to say, I see many times where singles are mistreated because they are single.
That still does not make it right to encourage this idiotic behavior of rushing to get married. This is a big commitment that is being taken upon oneself and not that much thought is going into it. Once the dating is going nicely, all else doesn't matter. Red flags that would have been there are now ignored because "love is in the air" all else doesn't matter. We encourage this as well. People are told to take the plunge, go for it, and stop being picky.
Is this the cause of young divorces that are popping up all over the place? There are numerous divorces within the first year. With kids. With out kids. Within the first five years with a few kids to boot. Why on earth is this being accepted? Why do the Rabbis agree with this? Does the church have the right idea? They condemn divorces. It is not allowed in their practice. To ensure this, they have a weekend retreat where they learn to live with their future spouse. To make sure they are really compatible. It is almost like pre marital counseling. What a novel idea.
Why don't we practice this idea? Forget the sleeping together part (which they don't accept either) why not enforce pre marital counseling for young couples. Have someone ask the questions that are not asked on dates. Have another party see whether the two really do belong together. Not the shadchan, or friends. This person should not know either side. She/he meets with them as a whole and as individuals. It will add to the dating period. Why find out later that you are not compatible when the heart break can be avoided. Find out before hand that you don't really share the same goals in life, you just think you do.
In an ideal world there would be no divorces. Everyone would be happily married to their bashert. To their sole mate. Whatever age you want to get married at, after highschool, you do. There is no heart breaks. No years of anguish while your friends are married and you are not. Those who have "things that are wrong" will find someone who will accept them and want them, the same as any other person.
Stop the madness. This year over Pesach think of your single friends or blogger. Try to match one person up. If they go out and they don't think it will work, have them match each other up with someone else. There is always a match to the other sock. Let us use our blogging land to match up all the singles.
That still does not make it right to encourage this idiotic behavior of rushing to get married. This is a big commitment that is being taken upon oneself and not that much thought is going into it. Once the dating is going nicely, all else doesn't matter. Red flags that would have been there are now ignored because "love is in the air" all else doesn't matter. We encourage this as well. People are told to take the plunge, go for it, and stop being picky.
Is this the cause of young divorces that are popping up all over the place? There are numerous divorces within the first year. With kids. With out kids. Within the first five years with a few kids to boot. Why on earth is this being accepted? Why do the Rabbis agree with this? Does the church have the right idea? They condemn divorces. It is not allowed in their practice. To ensure this, they have a weekend retreat where they learn to live with their future spouse. To make sure they are really compatible. It is almost like pre marital counseling. What a novel idea.
Why don't we practice this idea? Forget the sleeping together part (which they don't accept either) why not enforce pre marital counseling for young couples. Have someone ask the questions that are not asked on dates. Have another party see whether the two really do belong together. Not the shadchan, or friends. This person should not know either side. She/he meets with them as a whole and as individuals. It will add to the dating period. Why find out later that you are not compatible when the heart break can be avoided. Find out before hand that you don't really share the same goals in life, you just think you do.
In an ideal world there would be no divorces. Everyone would be happily married to their bashert. To their sole mate. Whatever age you want to get married at, after highschool, you do. There is no heart breaks. No years of anguish while your friends are married and you are not. Those who have "things that are wrong" will find someone who will accept them and want them, the same as any other person.
Stop the madness. This year over Pesach think of your single friends or blogger. Try to match one person up. If they go out and they don't think it will work, have them match each other up with someone else. There is always a match to the other sock. Let us use our blogging land to match up all the singles.
posted by BasTorah @ 1:30 PM
4 Comments:
Yes, of course there should be no divorces in an ideal world, but events happen that actually change people and sometimes those changes are enough to destroy the marriage that was. And if a new marriage to the new person cannot be worked out, then divorce is the only sane way of dealing with the situation. Best of luck on helping people get connected!
What everyone says is, that however much you think you know someone before you get married, once you do it is totally different. I think you need to find someone who has potential to be the kind of person you can live with.
After that it is up to the two of you to work together and be willing to give to make it work. It isnt about 50-50 its 100%-100%. Each has to give their all.
Long engagements can be extremely hard especially for those who remain shomer negiah. And for such people engagements are usually a period of confusion and a turmoil of emotions. Not much is gained by having a longer time of this. Better to marry sooner but insure that both are aware of the effort required.
Hey but who am I to talk; I am single. And am I on the matchmaking list? ;-)
Man,
Are you married yourself? You sure don't sound like you are.
I concur wholeheartedly with you Bassy.. B"h, I already made two Shiduchim with my blog, and I am working on two others..
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