A Happy Marriage
Just read a question "are you happily married?" "is your spouse happily married?"
This made me think.
Hard.
Are we really happily married? Are my friends happily married? Are my parents happily married? Were my grandparents happily married? Most seem to have a happy marriage on the outside. But will we ever see the inside of the marriages? The marriages we emulate, are they really worth emulating?
Is it true that most marriages the couples are not happy, but stick with it for various reasons? Is it because of the kids involved? Or, for those financially secure stay put because it beats the alternative? Or the don't want the shanda of being a divorcee?
There is no reason for me to compare my marriage to others. Why would I want to be jealous of someone else, when I do not know what is really going on? If I am not happy in a situation and I think my friend is happier but her sex is not as amazing as mine, will I be willing to give up what I have in order to have a happier appearance?
Now why is someone not happy in their marriage? How many feel that if they knew then what they now know, they would not have gotten into the marriage contract in the first place? Knowledge is powerful here. Imagine if you can see ahead and decide to plan your life based on that. Would it really work? If you knew your husband was going to cheat on you, would you have married him in the first place? We tend to forget the amazing things that have happened and all the happy days we have had and focus on the negative. Would you really throw away x amount of your life or not even experience it in the first place?
How many times have you said the words "had I only known...I would not have...". How many? Do you honestly think that you made a bad decision and now you have to live with it?
This made me think.
Hard.
Are we really happily married? Are my friends happily married? Are my parents happily married? Were my grandparents happily married? Most seem to have a happy marriage on the outside. But will we ever see the inside of the marriages? The marriages we emulate, are they really worth emulating?
Is it true that most marriages the couples are not happy, but stick with it for various reasons? Is it because of the kids involved? Or, for those financially secure stay put because it beats the alternative? Or the don't want the shanda of being a divorcee?
There is no reason for me to compare my marriage to others. Why would I want to be jealous of someone else, when I do not know what is really going on? If I am not happy in a situation and I think my friend is happier but her sex is not as amazing as mine, will I be willing to give up what I have in order to have a happier appearance?
Now why is someone not happy in their marriage? How many feel that if they knew then what they now know, they would not have gotten into the marriage contract in the first place? Knowledge is powerful here. Imagine if you can see ahead and decide to plan your life based on that. Would it really work? If you knew your husband was going to cheat on you, would you have married him in the first place? We tend to forget the amazing things that have happened and all the happy days we have had and focus on the negative. Would you really throw away x amount of your life or not even experience it in the first place?
How many times have you said the words "had I only known...I would not have...". How many? Do you honestly think that you made a bad decision and now you have to live with it?
Should we really set the bar for the youngsters? Should we tell everyone DON'T get married so early in life. You really do not know what you want or getting into. DON'T do it! Will we do that to our children or will we let them make their own decision and let them live their own life and learn from it. We can only teach them how to pick and choose the right one.
What is the right one? Do we take the faults of our spouse and say, this is wrong, the opposite is good and therefore I would NOT choose what is bad? Do we set the bar higher? Do we change and think about our own faults and what we do to cause our spouse to respond, or is only a one way street?
What makes us happy? What makes a happy marriage? Do you think your neighbor is happy? If you hear no yelling and they always look happy, do you really think that they have a desirable marriage? Would you tell your intimate secrets to your friend in hope of your friend to share with you the same? Do you judge based on your friends marriage? Do you decide if they have a good marriage or not and that sets the bar for you?
Stop looking at others. Find out what makes you happy and what makes you get upset. Work on it yourself. Change you. Your spouse will change as well. But stop the comparison. It really is not worth it. You have good too, just need to realize that it is work. Whoever said marriage is not work lied. We all know that.
Just do it.
Ksiva V'chasima Tova.
Bassy
posted by BasTorah @ 10:39 AM
5 Comments:
I'm very enthusiastic about Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Effective Families. Amongst other things he says in that book, the one that is most applicable to your post is: "Love is a verb!"
In other words, Love is something you conciously work at!
I remember an off-the-cuff discussion with a family therapist friend of mine when I asked him what was the best advice to "rekindle" the romance in marriage. He told me to go home, sit down, and write five reasons why someone else would want to have an affair with my wife.
Just in case you're wondering, I and my wife are "happily" married thirty-four years now. It wasn't easy. It was/is a lot of work. It was worth every moment of effort!
It is a hard question and it really is individual in nature.
shut your fucking blog down already you idiot
a blog that looks just like yours with a similar name. is that you? or is this you? bi-polar! when is the new post coming? cumming? rather
I have three small kids, and my wife is so overwhelmed that I found the quality of my marriage to have suffered. She has everything--she doesn't need to work, she is deeply loved (and she knows it), and beautiful kids--but somehow three is too much. Aside from the fact that I have been downgraded to her number two concern, I am still quite happy, though. However, I wish she would shape up and be my wife again. Its just not fair that my house is now a family affair, stripped of the once lusterous husband-wife relationship which I found so incredibly rewarding. I want my wife back.
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