I am Still Here

There are so many new blogs out there I don’t know where to start reading. Every time I read the comments I see a new signer, someone new decided they needed to be heard and has a blog of their own. I don’t always have the time to read them or link to them, but I hope my fellow readers will clue me in when they read a good post somewhere. Share the wealth of knowledge that you have with me. I work full-time. I don’t have the time to read every blog that evolves and comment back and forth all day. Some of you seem to have no qualm about doing that, and it seems to be your full-time job to do so. I don’t have that luxury. I have to actually work for my money.

I have some fans emailing me and asking me questions. I have posted some here and others have asked my not to write their questions to me. I listened. I had a rapport going on for a week, and poof, no more emails this week. I guess A I responded and answered all your questions. I am happy.

I received a letter the other day that I posted on the other site. I put it up. Took it down. Put it back. Deleted comments. And then took it down one final time. I overstepped my boundaries. I offered too much. I am regretful that I posted it and will try to contain this site to be back to what it was (what was it again?). Part of me still wants it there because that is the point of this. The main reason I started this was to have the questions that no one feels comfortable asking, let them ask and learn. But there are those who feel that they need to be the ones to remind me the issues of tznius and tactfulness and hint for me to remove things that should not be here. My question for you is this: if it is here and you are reading, what are you doing reading me? What are you doing reading bastorah? You know what I write about. You know the topics I so want to continue pursuing, what are you really expecting to find here? A blog about the weather? A blog on how my day at work is? No. That is not what this is about. It is about whatever I feel like writing that I feel is ignored in the public eye.

I write about how kallah classes do not teach properly. I discuss the issues of shalom bayis. I bring up new ideas. I suggest practical solutions to those who for some reason, don’t have that knowledge. I offer them support. Moral support. If you are single and you are reading about sex, good for you. Be prepared as to what married life is. It is not all what you think it is. It has its good stuff and there is bad in it too. The sex can be good and the sex can be bad. Singles, know your body well before you get married. Know what you want and what feels good to you. Once you are more comfortable with yourself sexually, the better off you will be when you need to prepare yourself and arouse another.

So my readers, I apologize for the delay in good topics. I have been having them back and forth in emails. Giving advice to marrieds on what to wear during the day, to dealing with singles and their own private issues. I wear many feathers in my cap. But I will return and focus on my task on hand here. To enlighten you, my readers with what I want to say.

My Thoughts for Now

I apologize for not being a good blogger. I have been busy responding to my emails and have taken the blogging personal and becoming a sex therapist and kallah teacher based on my previous emails. I therefore started a new blog, dearbastorah.blogspot.com and will address some of the issues I have been getting via email.

My other topics seem to have disappeared. I could not get involved in writing a good piece of work. I tried to think of different topics but when I thought I had a good topic, it was stolen and already written by someone else.

My latest topic that I was planning on writing about before Shlomy took it, was on Cheating. Is this cheating? Is this flirting? Are we are treading water and will soon run out of breath and drown? Are we just burying ourselves deeper and deeper and not even realizing how low we have sunken? It says that God took us out of Egypt at the right time. Had we stayed there any longer, we would have been lost spiritually. Is this the case now? How much father can we go?
On the other hand, are we really worse than previous generation? We all have our temptations now. There really is nothing new under the sun. What we think are original problems, are not really original. We are just repeating them. Granted, in the days before yore we didn’t have Internet but we did have other things that we don’t have now. It is the concept, and that has not changed. When did it become okay to have personal conversations with members of the opposite gender? When was it ever a problem? According to who is it a problem?

We all know our limits. Some have fewer limits than others. Some are changing it as they go along. That can lead to trouble. Set yourself a limit. If you stick with it, you should be fine. Be realistic. If you see yourself falling, stop the fall before you get hurt and actually fall real hard. Once you start it is harder to stop it.

My next issue of complaint that someone mentioned to me is regarding how the wife is told to be there for her husband no matter what. If she is tired, she should take a nap prior to going to sleep, so that the two can go to bed together. Otherwise, her man can end up looking elsewhere. Please explain this to me. Why are we teaching girls that her husband will look for sex elsewhere? Are we approving this behavior? Do we allow this behavior? If I translate that, it means that if we do not satisfy our husband, he has the right to go elsewhere. Now that is wrong. It should not be said that way. Why are they allowed, why are they being given the green light to find what they can’t get at home somewhere else? Why is it that the wife is unable to do such thing? That they don’t tell the boys that if they do not satisfy the wife, she will look elsewhere and make it acceptable to do that.

That is my repeat gripe for you readers today. I did not forget you. I will come up with a good topic, and feel free to email me and suggest something.

I am not Sure Where This one has a Point

I am sorry if this a repeat.

I keep reading this and trying to figure things out. How often do people have sex? Is it that they take advantage of the non-niddah nights and go for it daily or even twice daily? Are we really that into it, that we must have sex every night? But then what happens to the niddah weeks? How do you survive then, if you are used to having sex so often? Or we don’t think about that?

What is a healthy amount? Does it vary between couples? Is based on desire more than anything else? Or is the need to do it before niddah play into things? Is it out of desperation? Or starvation for the one or the other? Are we that animalistic that we feel if we don’t get our full quota during the on days, we will lose out and feel it even more so during the niddah days?

Who is hornier during the not-allowed-days? Do we hold it in and don’t mention it? Or is the man really more into it and really thinks about daily? And more than once a day? Do most women really have the same sex-drive as the man? Are we really that horny and do we take care of ourselves while we are a niddah, after all, it is allowed.

Who fakes it more? Who is not in the mood, but goes along, or cops a headache excuse not to have relations that night? If you really are that tired, do you go along with it? Or fake an illness, even if it is close to niddah time? Does niddah time actually play a roll into how horny one can get? Do you get hornier the closer it is to niddah, or the closer it is to mikvah night? What can we do to arouse oneself for mikvah night? And what can one do to alleviate the horniness during niddah time?

So many questions, I know. There are a few things on my mind that I want to ask. There are few emails that are asking me to write, but I don’t know if I can yet ask them here. I don’t want the tznius police to shut me down yet. I don’t want to take that step and pose some questions on to some innocent readers. I have left them to sit there, and soon will start to write about other topics.

A Letter From a Reader to the Readers

Dear Bas Torah and her readers,

I just finished reading three
fantastic threads on this blog; "Nidda Time", "Is it wrong," and
"Help Ourselves". I would like to be part of this discussion
because, well, these issues represent the most important challenges
of my life right now and I've got nobody with whom to share my
thoughts.

Male Masturbation and Pornography
First of all, its obvious that both are assur. It's a total waste
of time to discuss this from the point of view of the sources. Its
Assur. C'mon. Stop kidding yourselves. But is it good enough to say
its assur and that's it? No. Because the urge to view pornography
and to masturbate is so strong that nebuch many men who belive in
the Torah and accept the authority of Halacha, are still unable to
resist the urge. They say things like, "Its not as bad as having an
affair" or, "it's just out of curiosity," or, "its not real". In
fact, dear Bas Torah, I suspect that your husband or her friend's
husband or whoever inspired your question, has said something like
that when he was "caught at it" But these are just lame attempts of
the addict mind to reconcile the fact that he is acting out in this
way with the idea that he is a serious torah observant Jew.

So saying, its assur is true. But its meaningless because somehow
the emotional needs you are meeting by viewing porn and/or
masturbating are just more compelling than your emunah. That's not
to say that your emuna is not strong. But there's strong and
there's STRONG.

How do I know so much about this? Cause I've been there. I'm a
Torah observant Jew with a beautiful wife and children and also a
recovering porn and masturbation addict. Here's why its wrong to
look:

a)
Looking at porn, or even the little finger of an actual woman, if
its to get pleasure, medicates away desires that should be applied
to and hopefully resolved in real relationships and other
productive endeavors. These deep human needs that draw a man to a
pretty face, a nice smile, a shapely figure provide the driving
force for his passionate love for his wife. So when you look, the
object of your momentary desire is "getting all your best" and your
marriage and everything else important to you is losing out.

b)
Looking at a beautiful woman to get pleasure is immoral towards
that woman because you are objectifying her.That's a form of
exploitation. If she knew you were doing it, she would feel
uncomfortable

c)
Attraction to porn, especially when accompanied by masturbation,can
easily, especially today with the availability of internet, lead to
obsessive habitual porn use that takes up so much time, energy and
possibly money, that it can ruin your parnassa, career, and any
other accomplishment.

Flirting.
Obviously flirting is bad. However, Not every smile and every hello
is a flirt. Connecting with another person and making them feel
good is an important thing to do. Don't let the potential for
inappropriate feelings be a demonic force that corrupts every
relationship and isolates peoples from one another.

Having said that, I'll also say that tzniut is important.

Niddah Separation.
Niddah separation was always hard for me, even when I was "taking
care of myself" quite liberally. But when I came out of the
masturbation addiction cold-turkey and went from around 20-50
orgasms a month to 2-5 my nuts pretty much cracked open from the
pressure. I really started resenting the 7 clean days and became
convinced that Chazal's acceptance of the "minhag bnot yisrael" to
keep 7 clean days on any blood without even attempting to
distinguish between Nidda and Zava was a colossal mistake. Did they
realize that they were condemning so many men (me at least) to a
limit of 2-5 times per month?

But I think I'm over that rant. Now, I say: Keep that arousal. Its
your power. Keep that erection. It's your passion. Don't waste your
seed. Keep those nuts swollen with "seed", and your heart will stay
swollen with love and undescribable passion for your wife.

Male Celibacy possible?
Yes. Its all in the mind. My case proves that a person can do with
very little "outlet" (As if a woman were an "outlet"). And I know
of other recovering addicts,(Gentiles noch!) who have gone for over
a year without any sex or masturbation of any kind and they are
perfectly healthy. The body doesn't need it if the mind doesn't
convince the body that it does. So I think that tzvi5got it wrong
when he wrote that

"Anyone who can go 2 weeks a month, or 2 months after childbirth
with out masturbation., is a Tzaddik of a calibre, that I cant even
comprehend"

Its seems mind boggling I know. But that's because you are
brainwashed into thinking that your body needs it. Once you realize
the truth you'll understand that its not so hard and recognize that
even a gentile can do it.

shlomohamelech said...
"I have NEVER masturbated,"

It's great the you said this. It helps.

You, Dear Bastorah, asked,

"Can a man look at a sexy female, or a magazine or what have you,
without getting into trouble with his wife?"
This hurts so many women so much. Here's a link you should follow
if you're ready to cry...
http//lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=Partners

the passage I identified with most was where talmid commented on
"Take Care of Our self?"

"My main conclusion is that I cannot see that we have a right to
expect to be in a position to be able to enjoy sex. In the same way
as we cannot expect to have excellent sex every time we make love,
or indeed to be healthy or to live to 120 or to be rich or to have
healthy clever children and all the other aspects of life that we
all desire. If Hashem has decided that you won't be in a situation
where you can have sex whenever you want there is a reason behind
it. Hashem knows that there is a Halachah against (certainly for
men) masturbation. However difficult the Halacha is, we as Jews
only exist today because we have continued to keep Halacha. And
also most of our Halachot help make us into decent people and help
us build warm and cohesive family units."

That was really well said. If I get really passionate lovemaking
even only once a month, what right do I have to complain? It could
be much worse and for many people it is much worse. And if it were
worse, I would be expected to deal with that and accept it.

Also, it helps to compare yourself to Nice Jewish Girl:
http://www.shomernegiah.blogspot.com/. If you get to make love even
once a year, you can count your blessings.

Thanks holy brothers and sisters for listening.. I'm hoping to hear
your comments.

Sincerely,RCA

I didn't Forget You

What a nice vacation I had. Sorry to leave you in the lurk without a trace. Sorry for not writing a masterpiece. Though I am not sure why you insist on a masterpiece with every post. I must say it is nice to know that I was missed. It is nice to read that there are those who turn here for suggestions and for those who want to keep reading and feel that they are not alone and that there are others just like them. We are all the same. We each have our very own issues, but they really are not so different from the next.

I have gotten an offer to have a chat room set up on my site. Thank you so much for the offer, but I like to have somewhat control that goes on here. I have the authority to delete comments that I do not like. I get to post topics that I feel that I want to write about. If I put a chat room up, I lose control of things and there is no bastorah anymore. There are plenty of others out there and there are those who are counting their comments go up and up. They are judging based on how much people respond.

I know I have a good readership. I have the emails to prove it. I have two email accounts, and I check them daily. I don’t always respond and but one I respond quiker than the other. I know you guys and girls are out there waiting with bated breath the great words that will come forth unto this blog. Sorry to disappoint you dear readers, I am on a break.

Yes, a break. It seems that my friends and acquaintances have spoken for me. No need to go on into elaborate post about it. It is done. The biggest question. The biggest mystery in the jewish bedroom life is answered. The biggest question that have been asked and thought about, and desired have been answered in the jblog world. Yes. Oral sex is allowed. Anal sex is allowed. It is all allowed. It is all muter. Go ahead, have a party and try some. Don’t forget that what goes on behind closed doors should be kept there.

What happens when it is not done behind closed doors? It is done when no one is up, or no one is home? It is done with the doors open, is it then okay to talk about it? Just thought I would ask.

Now that we came across the issur of different types, and we can now conclude that most is allowed despite what we have been taught, what will you do, or what have you done that you didn’t try before? Are you really going to try new things because now you know it is not forbidden? Are you going to continue to do what you thought was forbidden, but is not really forbidden. Or is the thrill gone? I bet there are many of my readers who are married who haven’t tried a few things and are scared to try. Part scared. Part thought it was not allowed. Well, you got the not allowed part behind you, and now you can conquer the afraid part. What is there to be afraid of? If you love your partner and vice versa, what is there afraid except for the unknown?

Why are we afraid of the unknown? Who made us afraid? What made us afraid of it? What is it that we are afraid of? Go ahead, take it upon yourself “don’t be afraid of things you don’t really know why you are afraid of”. You can do it. Try. You might actually like it. But then again, you probably won’t because you are afraid.

In any event, I am just really rambling on with no end in site. With no reason or rhyme why I am posting this. The only reason I can think of is because I owe my fellow readers a post. It has been an extremely long time for me, Bassy, not to have post. I am really here. Just letting my thoughts wander, and trying to figure where I want my voice to be heard.

I received an email if I was interesting in his story. You bet I am. So is everyone here. We are waiting for something new to happen. To read exotic and erratic stories. Wonder what possessed people to do what they do. Go ahead, email it to me and I will post it here for comments.