RAK

Grumble. Grumble. I got tagged. I refuse to do this, but then I will be the only one out.
So here are my Kindness that I have done.

1. Took the kids to the park they wanted to go to, not the one I wanted to take them.

2. Helped lots of kids to things that needed an adult.

3. Didn't get upset or frustrated when the driver missed the turn.

4. Didn't complain about the logic my telephone mate was using. I suggested something in the beginning, but it took telephone mate to figure it out thirty minutes later to use my suggestions. I was there to listen to how they got to that conclusion. I held my tongue.

5. Made supper for someone who totally was not expecting it.

I did it. Leave me alone. Let me do my kindness without writing about it.
Imagine, a post without sex in it.

Now I have my revenge. I will tag FOUR readers.

AnonyOne: you do not have a blog or a public email address. I assume when you read this you will respond that you will follow the rules. Feel free to email me, or use the comments section here.

Thekvetcher: I don't know how to use links, or too lazy to figure it out now, but I tag you my dear kvetch. Do some kindness, it wont hurt you.

Frummer?: Hmm, you asked me to link you, payback time it is. Be nice, let us hear all about it.

Kishmecht: However you spell your name. You too are a link, though unsolicited. You have been too quiet here. Let us hear from you now.

I am done, I am finished here...no more randome acts.

Can we get back to the main topic you all come here to read about?

He Needs Help....Let us Help him

"Dear Bas Torah,

Firstly, I would like to thank you for your blog. Although I don't comment, I am an avid reader and have learned a lot from it. I am getting married in a couple of months, and anything I can learn which will help my marriage is a good thing, and there has been much of that on your blog.

I don't know if this is something you would feel comfortable posting about, but I know it would be very helpful to me, and probably many other people who will get married soon. I have spent time learning my chosson classes, which did include a basic introduction to sex, and I have read my fair share of books and seen my fair share of movies. Nevertheless, I am very nervous about what happens in reality after the wedding. How people approach their first time, what they might or might not do, how comfortable'uncomfortable it was, if it was painful to the woman, if it is like fumbling in the dark, or if things just come naturally. Obviously, there would be a lot of variation depending on many different factors, but I would love to hear your or your commenters perspectives.

Thanks

Ben Torah (You may Publish this, I changed my name to protect my identity)

Can This Marriage Be Saved

Okay, I cheated, not my posting but read and HAD to see responses to this topic.

Here it is:


"We've Been Married Seven Years -- and We've Never Had Sex"
By Cynthia Hanson
Can this marriage survive Natalie's painful sex experiences and Brad's frustration?

Her turn:

"Everyone thinks I have the perfect life," said Natalie, 33, an advertising account manager who has been married for seven years. "And in many ways I do. My husband, Brad, and I like our jobs, and we just bought a new house. We vacation in the Caribbean, enjoy a large circle of friends, and have season tickets to our hometown basketball team, the Philadelphia 76ers. We get along great, except for one huge problem: We've never had intercourse. I'm actually still a virgin.

"It's not by choice. It seems my body won't let me have sex. Whenever we attempt it, I experience immediate muscle tightness and an excruciating burning sensation. I don't know what's wrong. It can't be structural, because I don't feel pain during gynecological exams. It's not low sex drive, either. I'm attracted to Brad and have orgasms from other sexual activities.

"As far as I can figure out, nothing in my background can explain this problem. I'm the younger of two children in a middle-class family. My dad was a department-store manager, and Mom was a sales associate there. I never felt particularly close to either of them. Dad was emotionally distant, and my mom was overly sensitive. I often felt neglected because they lavished all their attention on my older sister, who was born with severe cerebral palsy and had to be institutionalized from birth. They spent most of their free time working for an advocacy organization for parents of children with CP. I grew up pretty much on my own. Whenever I'd complain, my mom would tell me to stop whining. 'Be grateful that you're healthy,' she'd snap. 'Your sister has it a lot worse.' She explained the facts of life to me when I was 13 and told me not to have sex until I was much older. That was our only discussion on the subject.

"In high school, I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend, but when he tried to enter me, I felt the same symptoms I feel with Brad, so I asked him to stop. Around this time my best friend, who had just lost her virginity, told me how much sex hurt. This confirmed my own limited experience -- and increased my nervousness. A few years later I felt the same intense pain with another boyfriend and we, too, never had sex. Since I enjoyed other sexual activities, I convinced myself that someday I'd be able to have intercourse.

"I met Brad 11 years ago at the advertising agency where we both worked. I was 22; he was 25. I was drawn to him right away -- he was handsome and full of energy. And we had common interests -- sports, movies, mountain biking. Brad was a true romantic: He'd leave sweet cards on my desk and surprise me with a tape of love songs. Once, for my birthday, he whisked me off to a resort in New England.

"We were madly in love, so after six months I disclosed my secret -- and prayed he wouldn't lose interest. Brad, who'd had many sexual experiences, reassured me by saying, 'Maybe you haven't met the right man yet.'

"But history repeated itself. We tried to have intercourse about a dozen times during our four-year courtship, yet each time Brad got close to entering me, I would tense up to the point where my body felt like one giant knot and I couldn't even spread my legs. We tried wine, bubble baths, and full-body massages to help me relax, but I always froze up whenever we progressed beyond touching.

"Soon we were fighting about sex. Naturally, he was angry we weren't having it. When I'd say, 'Let's try on Saturday,' then back out because it hurt too much, he'd grow even more furious. I wasn't leading him on; I really wanted to have intercourse. Once we were engaged, Brad badgered me to get professional help, but I couldn't bear to tell anyone my shameful secret, not even a gynecologist. I just hoped the problem would go away. Two days before our wedding, Brad threatened to call it off, and I swore we'd have sex on our honeymoon. In retrospect, I'm amazed he gave me another chance.

"But on our honeymoon, I had all the same tenseness. On the last day, we still hadn't had sex, and Brad went ballistic. 'I knew I shouldn't have married you until this problem was solved,' he screamed. 'I'm tired of your empty promises.' He stormed out of the room, and I collapsed on the bed in tears. Three hours later, Brad came back and apologized, promising that we'd solve my problem together.

"But we reverted to the same predictable pattern. I would enjoy his kisses and caresses, and then I would pleasure him with oral sex. He always enjoyed it, but he said he craved the emotional connection of intercourse. So did I.

"Three years ago, things really began to deteriorate. After yet another failed attempt at intercourse, Brad called me his 'roommate' and began sleeping in the guest room from time to time. He set deadlines, saying he'd divorce me if we didn't have sex by our anniversary or by his birthday. As the deadlines came and went, Brad would call me a liar, and I'd sob inconsolably. Sometimes he'd spend the night in a hotel.

"Now we're trapped in a vicious cycle: The more bitter and angry Brad becomes, the harder it is for me to become aroused when we do fool around. I live in constant fear that he's going to cheat on me. As emotionally wrenching as that would be, I wouldn't blame him, because I'm not meeting his sexual needs. Sometimes my problem is all I think about. I have migraines, nausea, and insomnia."The other day, Brad threatened divorce again unless I see a therapist. I believe this may be my last chance with him, so here I am."

His turn:

"I don't want a divorce, but I can't stay in an unconsummated marriage any longer," said Brad, 36, a creative director for an advertising agency. "I've been patient over the past 11 years. I believed Natalie when she promised to solve her problem. I surfed the Internet to find out everything I could about her condition and downloaded articles, hoping she'd be inspired by other women who had overcome the same problem. But she refused even to look at those articles, just as she has refused to see a counselor. What more can I do?

"Sometimes I feel like a chump for sticking around. But I love Natalie; we're best friends. Sex is the only thing we've ever fought about. But I'm prepared to leave if she doesn't get cured of whatever is wrong with her. I'm tired of shutting down my sexual side and pretending it doesn't matter that I've never made love to my own wife. Natalie seems to think the answer is oral sex, but that's not enough. I long for the emotional connection -- and frankly, the sexual satisfaction -- that's comes only with intercourse.

"I had an unremarkable childhood. I got along with my older sister and younger brother, but wasn't especially close to my parents. My dad, a truck driver, was a jokester who behaved more like a buddy than a father. My relationship with my mother, a homemaker, has always been on her terms. For instance, when I went to college an hour away from home, she never once visited, because she won't drive out of her zip code. She hasn't been to our new house for the same reason. I've always wanted Mom to be more involved in my life, but she is emotionally remote. I'm not really surprised Dad left her for another woman when I was in college.

"I was attracted to Natalie from the moment we met. She's petite and pretty, as well as smart, funny, and outgoing. I was disappointed when she said she had a boyfriend, but we became work pals. When her relationship ended a few months later, I immediately asked her out. Our romance was founded on friendship; once we started dating, I fell in love fast.

"When Natalie told me she was still a virgin, I was surprised but not alarmed. We'd had oral sex, so I knew she wasn't asexual. She was only 22, so I assumed she simply hadn't felt ready. I was confident she would soon be ready for me.

"But as time passed, I grew more and more concerned, and as our wedding date grew near, I was filled with dread. In some ways, I'm sorry I didn't call it off. I couldn't understand what was wrong. I even started to wonder if Natalie had been sexually abused as a child. She said she hadn't, which led me to conclude it was in her head and she needed psychological help.

"I'm angry not just because we've never had intercourse but also because Natalie breaks her promises. She claims she hates being a virgin but won't do anything about it. I'm so disgusted that I've withdrawn from her emotionally and physically. I hang out with friends after work because I don't want to be home with her.

"When I gave Natalie the most recent ultimatum, I was shocked that she finally agreed to get treatment -- but frankly, I'm skeptical that she'll follow through."

© Copyright 2005 Meredith Corporation. All Rights Reserved.

Let's hear it now....

Is it Wrong?

Disclaimer: Interesting topic, yet I am going to get the Tznius Police for this one.

“You can look but you can’t touch”. Does this statement apply in our circles? I guess the “our” being vague and broad considering the readers of this site. What I really mean bring up, are men allowed to look? Are ladies allowed to look? Can we look at things but not touch? Can a man look at a sexy female, or a magazine or what have you, without getting into trouble with his wife?

What is your reaction if you found your spouse looking at things that were not so proper for him/her to be looking at? First we need to back up here. At what point are we allowed to look at, for example, the magazines they sell in black bags, when can we take a sneak peak? Are we ever allowed to look, or is that going beyond our religion? I am asking this in regards to what we see that is not hidden. We see ads and billboards that are right in front of us. Scantly clothed, provocative pose, right in middle of time square. You can’t miss it, unless of course your eyes are closed. You see T.V commercials playing all the time, and in the movies, a rated R movie can get you a couple in bed undressed and very busy. So it is not like we do not see it. It is not like we are searching for it and have to un-dig just to get what we think we are looking for. There is plenty in front of us, so what is wrong with going the next step, buying a magazine, or doing a search for it on the Internet? It is not hard at all to find it. The question is are we allowed to?

As a wife (wives first, since I am a wife), will you get offended if you discover your husband surfing the web during his free time? Will you get insulted, hurt? Shocked? Is it wrong for a man to go searching and try to see what is out there? Remember, he is doing so in the privacy of his home (hopefully) and of course there is no touching as it is all computerized. Do you trust him enough to know that all that he is seeking is merely curiosity and he wants to satisfy that curiosity. Can you understand his needs? His desire? His fantasy?

As a husband how would you react if you caught your wife in the act of searching the web and looking? Looking at pictures and reading different things than she normally does, after all this is going beyond that steamy romance novel that is hidden so carefully under the mattress. Will you be shocked? Disgusted? Annoyed? Or will you jump right in and say two can play the same game, or, you can look but you cannot touch.

What is so wrong with us looking? Again, forget the moral issues on how women are portrayed. What is the deal with it anyway? Why are guys in general so into it?

I have another issue here. Men flirt all the time. Okay, granted it is not all men and it is not all the time, but yes, men do flirt. They like it. They enjoy it. They get a kick out of it. What would happen if the wife flirted? Now by flirting I am talking about flirting that does not lead to touching. Yes, the provocative dress, the batting the eyelashes, the soft tone…you know what I mean. The way she looks at you to get her way. So what happens if she decides to use that elsewhere? After all, you flirt as well. You can’t deny you didn’t give that lady who walked by a second glance, so why can’t she do so to the waiter who is serving her? Is it really a two way street? Are both wrong or is one right and one wrong?

Plenty of people flirt. It all depends on how you interpret flirt. If by giving attention to someone flirting, then we do this all the time without realizing it. Sometimes we do realize what we are doing. But if you are talking about a conscientious flirting, it happens more often than you think. You probably do it as well with out realizing how often.

So my question here is about flirting and porn. Are they wrong? Is one more allowed than the other? Are we just allowed to do it, but our spouse is not? How far can we go without getting ourselves into trouble? How far have you gone? Will you lose respect for your spouse if you find porn on your computer? Will you want to leave your marriage if your spouse is looking at some porn? Will you confront your spouse or assume what you think is the right answer? Have you looked at porn or flirted? How does it feel?

I honestly do not think that looking at porn is that bad. Again, I am not talking about halachos and tzinius here. If a guy wants to, why not? And the wife? Is it really wrong for her to look at it? Who knows, it can help them in the bedroom! As for flirting. That is always dangerous. It can lead to steps further than you imagine without even thinking about it. Flirting is dangerous because you are dealing with another person. There is contact. There is talking. Porn is just looking without touching. But, if flirting is simple and it is not so involved, by all means, flirt away to get that free cup of coffee. But remember it works both ways. If you flirt, your spouse/girl/boy friend is allowed too as well.

Just taking a poll here

Who likes BasTorah?

and

Who likes Bassy?

Wondering which my readers prefer to call me or see me comment...

Drop me a line with your response.

A guten Shabbos!

Nidda Time

it is a bit long...

For whom is this time frame harder? The husband or the wife? I ask this question in all seriousness. There are many things that happen to each side that makes this time period very hard. Don’t give me the line that everything is fine when it is the “off” time of the month. I don’t and cannot believe it.

The wife is going through changes during this time. She feels crankier, and probably tense. All teenage girls get it, and it doesn’t really get better. We learn to live on mydol, or Tylenol or whatever medication or vitamin you have handy. We don’t like it. I never did. Not when I was a teenager and not now. Certain things do not change. I don’t like getting my period. There I said it. I find it annoying. It hurts. It makes me cranky and I yell more at people. My stomach hurts and that never feels good. It starts about a day or so before the actual onset and then it gets better. Imagine being in school. Every month you took off for a day or two. Eventually they will catch on. Now there is real life. Work wont allow such behavior. Neither do the kids. So we learn to suffer it quietly.

Not only do we have the physical pain and torture, we need to change our mindset and make ourselves aware that we are now a niddah. We are in a different status. No more kisses from the husband. No more hugs when you really need it. Your buddy is not really there for you, as you would like. Too bad. This is the way of life we have chosen to live. No more sex. No more intimacy. Push it to the back of your mind for at least 12 days. Save all that energy and tension for two weeks, so that the mikvah night can be special and wild.

On the plus side you have the time to yourself. Not every day revolves around sex. Whether or not you have children you still have a life to live. Not having sex does not mean that you do not love one another. Not always do you need to have sex on the non-niddah nights. Yes, there are only a limited amount of days, but you also have other things to take care of. But then we must remind ourselves when we will expecting it and not forget the last night before. Otherwise it will be longer than the anticipated two weeks.

The men. They don’t feel anything when we menstruate. They don’t feel the stomach pains. They don’t feel our crankiness, granted our mood will rub off on them. But physically they don’t feel anything. What they have is an off time from their wife. From sex. They cannot have sex for two weeks. And for some reason that makes them different. Not only does that affect them, but in a lot of cases, it affects the wife as well.

What I mean is, the husband tends to be removed from his wife during the off time. He is not so nice to her, to put it mildly. He tends to hang out more with his friends, or at work when there is no intimacy expected at home. He tends to be a bit more harsh with his wife. After all he is not getting any because of her. It is her fault that she has her period. It is her fault that she is a niddah. Therefore he has the right to take it out on her. Thank goodness there can’t be physical anger, but emotional anger is just as bad. The verbal abuse that comes during this time is enough to destroy a woman. The husband changes completely when she goes to the mikvah.

When mikvah night is there, he is a more gentler, calmer man. He worships the ground she walks on and kisses her toes then. Never once mentioning any of the things he mentioned earlier. She can do no wrong in his eyes, as long as she satisfies him in bed. As long as he is getting what he wants and needs.

Say that I am wrong. Granted this is not all men, And you are a good husband to your wife during niddah time and during regular time. Say what you want, wish what you think, but let us ask the wives if this is so. Let us hear from the wives who feel that they are second-class citizens when they are a niddah. We are the ones who are feeling this way. You can’t tell us what we are feeling is false! They are, after all, our feelings. True there are men out there who do treat their significant others the way she deserves whether or not “he is getting any” or not. But my question is why are the men who do not treat the wife with respect and dignity that she deserves is allowed to get away with this?

Who has taught him to change his personality when it is a hard time? Is this the norm of teaching chasonim? Are they really taught that the wife does not matter when she is a niddah, and therefore he does not have to respect her? That he does not have to treat her like a human being? That he is allowed to walk all over her? But when the mikvah night comes…he must give her the royal treatment! He will answer her wishes and give her what she wants. He will take care of her because he knows he will be taken care of later. This makes no sense to me. Do men actually think that we are forgetful? That they can hurt us, but with a quick kiss and a hug, things will be better? Better yet, why do we allow them to do this to us? Why are we giving them the opportunity to walk all over us during niddah time and when it is not niddah time, we give them whatever they want as well?

Things must change.
Men must be taught that the wife is not just an outlet for his sexual desire. We have desires, wishes, and needs that need to be met.

Women must stand up for their beliefs and wishes. Do not let the husband walk all over you. Sit down and talk about things. Do not allow the abuse to continue.

Men must remember their wife during niddah time. A simple thank you, a kind word, a little note to say you are thinking of her goes a long way. Don’t forget your wife during these hard times!

Anyone who is abused MUST seek counseling as well as the spouse. Don’t be a victim anymore. This goes for abused women and abused men. Yes, I will agree that there are wives out there who abuse their husbands. Definitely seek professional help before it gets worse. Do not ignore the signs. Seek help now.

Keep reading bastorah.blogspot.com

Why Can't we Take Care of Ourself?

Men have urges that cannot always be taken care of by the wife. Sometimes the wife is not around, or they are not even home, or it is during the niddah time. What is to happen to the husband? I understand that a wife is not allowed to seduce her husband while it is niddah time. I understand that nothing romantic is to happen, but you know what, things happen and the husband can get aroused. Maybe it is because he saw something. Maybe because it is a long time since he has had “it”. Whatever the reason is, men have urges and they do, are there ways for him to take actions? How careful are you “not to waste seed”? Do you really follow that halacha? Are you really careful to make sure that you don’t spill? How many people are?

I remember hearing a young kallah talk about her kallah class. What a young girl she was. So innocent. So naive. As she was reviewing her notes and blushing, she mentioned that if a man is inside his wife and she realizes that she is bleeding, he must pull out and cannot continue. He should quickly go take a cold shower, and calm himself down, lest he shall spill his seed. She barely understood the concept. Of course she understood what was to happen, but she did not understand the result of his actions. How can she? She has never had sex before, nor had she had a man tease and arouse her before and then suddenly stop in midst of a good climax. She accepted just like that. It was told to her as halacha and what was the question there?

I have heard of a story where the husband was not inside of her, but she was on top of him doing what she does best to herself, when she had to stop for a minute. Before she continued she felt something moist and went to get check it out. To put it mildly, she was not able to continue what she was doing. It is not the same as when the husband is at his prime, but close enough, though this was her at her prime and not him. How frustrating it was for her not to be able to finish. From what I am told masturbating is wrong. In this case, she would not be able to masturbate and finish what she has started. Can someone out there please explain to me why not?

What is wrong with a women taking things into her own hands, (pun intended) and doing what she pleases to please herself? There are many reasons given why the husband is unable to please her at that time case in point, she is a niddah but while she started she was not, and now she wants to finish off and get the pleasure. Or her husband is out of town and she read a really steamy romance novel. We do actually get into the moods and at time we do not even need foreplay, and just want to have the release. Wait a few minutes, and then start again. I can understand the husband because of “don’t spill seed” but we do not have seed. The question is not whether or not “ women actually have urges other then in bed?” well we established that here, and yes, women do have urges and desires just like the men. The question is whether or not a women is allowed to masturbate, or please herself when she wants.

Is there something wrong with us doing that? If I think back I can recall she mentioning usage of a vibrator. That since she is not married and she still has raging hormones, she needs a release but it is not the same as the actual act. Granted, it is not the same, but is it halachakly allowed for us to do such thing? Or do we have the same restriction as men?

Back to the original question, why is it that men are now allowed to give themselves pleasure? Is it normal? I mean take single men out there. Is it really healthy for them to be at that age without having any pleasure? Is it really possible that he has not taken things into his own hands and threw the halacha issue away and decided to say screw it and continue with his urges? Does this make him less of a jewish man because he is unable to control his urges? Or the husband after a wife has a baby, or not even that long, during regular niddah time and he has urges. What is he supposed to do??

The board is open. Ready for discussions. Let it out. You waited for it.

For Married Wives to Read

I am cheating...But this is important for us married ladies to read. Take some advil, and start reading....But be forewarned, you will get a headache!!

Love

What is love? Why do we love our spouse? Do we really know what love is?
Tell me, why do you love your husband, wife or boy/girl friend.